so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
