finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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