let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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