Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
