my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
The air was thick with penises
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
