I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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