Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
