Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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