i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
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