is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Randomize
