I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
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