maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
