when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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