I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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