Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
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