There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Randomize
