She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize