if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
