I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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