I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
