I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
