he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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