Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
