mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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