The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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