Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
