: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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