i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
