Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
This beer is not sobering me up at all
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
