I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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