i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
