who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
