my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
And then he peed in my hair
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