Pappa wants mamma naked
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
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Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
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He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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