My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
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did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
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Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Randomize