You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
