Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
