get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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