According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
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Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
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I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!