i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
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I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
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I was totally pumped and so was my beard
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped