Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
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