How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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