I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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