1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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