There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
