He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize