Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Randomize
