someone threw a dead crab at me
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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