somebody snuck up and got me drunk
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
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