I heard we made out
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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