If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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