Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
