You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Randomize
