yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
