I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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