Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I got chris browned last night
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
birth control should be required to get into college
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
